Max received one of those personalized books when he was four. It was called “Flooty Hobbs and the Jiggling, Jolly Gollywobber.” It starts off: “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Flooty Hobbs. Maybe you know me…Maybe you don’t. I used to be GREAT!”
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jeni Marr. Maybe you know me…Maybe you don’t. I used to be GREAT!
And somewhere between the time I was 16 and now, I think I sent my golden touch to Goodwill.
Here's the truth: I was a great kid. A smart goodie goodie. (Well, until my parents moved to Michigan.) But seriously, I was toward the top of my class…(STILL pisses me off that I was third)…got voted Best Looking (without ever having been a cheerleader or in the Homecoming Court)…dated, albeit briefly, two WONDERFUL guys…had a great group of friends…played competitive sports…went to church faithfully…had a fantastic modeling career…got into three cool colleges (a full ride at one, accepted in the honors program for another)….
How many 16 years olds are sent to Chicago to live BY THEMSELVES for two weeks to model? Talk about responsibility. Bought my first pack of cigarettes that trip… Imagine if I would have decided not to go to college right out of high school like my agent suggested. At 24, maybe I would have been bulimic and a drug addict dating Julio Inglesias instead of having graduated college, having a two year old and having put the nail in the coffin of my first marriage. Really, what’s the better choice? You DO know I’m being facetious, right?
Then I went to college. Met a guy at college my SECOND day. Geez. Although, looking back…he WAS a Scorpio..and from LA (my taste really didn't suck so bad then I guess...wonder if he's on Facebook...) After being a medium sized fish in a smallish pond for 17 years, suddenly I was a smart kid in a school of 8,000 BRILLIANT kids (that would equate to a guppy in a tank of sharks). I was a semi-introvert in the midst of MAJOR EXTROVERTS. I did whatever I could to keep my head above water. Well. ALMOST anything. And graduated in four years. 8 months pregnant. No laudes for me.
When I was interviewed by one of our local papers when I was a kid (I was a Super Semifinalist for Teen Magazine’s Great Model Search), my dad stated that he wanted me to be an actor…or a doctor…or, well, something cool. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking that I was going to be a part time communications person at a college prep high school in the worst part of one of the most affluent counties in the country. With a food stamps card. It's a blow to my ego when I'm asked if I went to college and the conversation concludes with gasps....Yes, really, I DID graduate from there!
So I've decided that as I approach what I hope really isn't a midlife crisis point, I am going to use my 'what ifs' (not following up on a crush that I had on a guy, talking myself out of asking for that bigger job, not trying out for that play) and turn the rest of my life into 'I did its." Not sure how to go about it without the GT...I’ve already tried working without it: have done therapy, hypnosis, self-criticizing, smoking and drinking, NOT smoking and drinking, seeking unbiased friends’ opinions, reading self help books, following astrology, wishing I could perform magic, seeking the solace of prayer, living out my life in my dreams, hibernating and shutting everyone out, letting everyone in by blogging, becoming immersed in music, in a tv show, in a fiction book…no luck.
So I'll start by putting an APB on the GT. You'll recognize it immediately. Tarnished, short of shriveled, possibly limping along...but leaving a bit of color in its wake. Please show it the way home.
Author's note: GT not home yet, but new job starting in December! Full time!
