I couldn't have been very old. Maybe 10 or 11. I remember that it was a birthday party, in an apartment by the golf course. What was that restaurant - the Brown Derby? The mom had set up some games for us to all play. This particular game involved going under a blanket. You were going to crash or some such scenario. To survive you had to take off something that you had on.
You already know where this is going right?
I was, and always will be, intelligent. I had my nose in a book from a very early age. However, I got passed up for common sense and good old fashion street smarts. Although, to be honest, in 1980 Amherst, Ohio there wasn't much need for street smarts.
Unless you were at a birthday party and didn't know how you found yourself trapped under a blanket with no idea what to take off.
So I started taking off clothes, because I wanted to be a team-player, never realizing that the mom would have never put a young child in this situation. I was scared and mortified. But I wanted to play the game so I could be 'liked.'
Of course, the mom stopped me (the kids thought it was all hilarious) and said, 'Jeni, the BLANKET is what you need to take off.'
I never WAS the 'cool kid' and that birthday party pretty much confirmed it. There began the doubt. The second guessing. Not wanting to be made fun of again. Questioning.
A modeling agency wants to sign me? But WHY? I was 12 and hadn't, as my sister likes to say, grown into my nose yet.
The cutest boy in school wants to slow dance with me? But WHY? 7th grade with a massive crush on Bob Yergey
The best athlete in the senior class wants to 'go' with me? But WHY? Ah, Dominic.
The agency wants me to postpone college and go to Japan? But WHY? Of course I didn't go...but what if I HAD?
Wait, Northwestern accepted me? WHY? And I said goodbye to my plans to be a Wolverine and that leads us to present times.
I like to please people. I like to entertain. I like to give and give and give and give and give...emotionally, mentally, sexually.
And I get let down.
Not once.
Not twice.
Not three times.
Not - well, you get it.
This evening, this story and all of its branches was swirling inside my head and I knew I needed, if only just for me, to get it out.
Perhaps I should have Let it Go or Shake it Off running in the background.
Something happened last night.
Wait. Let me back-track to December.
In December, my kitchen stove-ish caught on fire. It was December 13th, a Saturday, and I'd just come home from the XXXMas show that WIIL Rock hosts. I left early. And came home to a (itsy bitsy teeny tiny little green housakini) house full of smoke. To two dogs that found it difficult to move. And to some lost possessions. An old college friend turned on again, off again lover begged me to bring myself and the dogs to his house for the night to get out of the smoke. I declined. Maybe you and I haven't met - I'm STRONG DO IT MYSELF JEN. Sigh.
Fast forward less than a month and I mention a 'date' that I've had on Facebook (RARE RARE RARE for me as I like to keep the inner most workings of my life private) - look at that! Sudden message from On again, Off again, THIS time accusing me of not taking responsibility for the fire and my actions.
Um WHAT?
I threw him under the bus on Facebook, ALSO something I don't normally do and am not proud of, and burned that bridge.
I honestly thought he and I could make something happen. Well then, 20 years under the bridge.
Next up, February. My ex hub landed in the hospital and I was on the group message with his family for his updates. A few days in, the group message started talking about how he needed to get laid, how he had horrible luck with women, how the 'next one' needed to have money and her tubes tied, etc. I didn't respond. When they continued the next day, I texted my ex and said, "I think your family forgot that I was on this thread." His reply?: "They are VERY aware you're on it." I was crushed. A favorite ex brother in law of mine and my step son were part of this. And my sons are exposed to this every other weekend when they aren't with me.
Still February for the next one. Remember the guy I had a date with in January? Yeah. I liked him. Too much probably. My reasons were valid: we liked similar things, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable and safe with him. I mean, there was no blazing inferno, but our personalities meshed.
So I thought.
After a Facebook gaffe by blindly clicking 'like' on a statement that was negative about him, he cut off all ties. Without explanation. In fact, I have not 'heard' from him since Feb 26th.
I 'expected' more.
And now to last night. I heard from a friend that a 'friend' was bad mouthing me. I wasn't 'successful' and 'time hadn't treated me well.'
Hmmm....let's see. I have natural nails, a natural body, natural boobs, a meager savings account, a 401k, own a house, own a car, have brilliant and successful children, have jobs that I adore....do you have another year for me to talk your ear off??
I'm done. YOU can please me.
HAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding.
There's a point to this and I think it's to have you see how normal we ALL are. I get bashed on a continual basis. When someone wants to ask me out I have to ask myself why and which Jen he's asking out.
I used this as a lesson today for my boys.
Maybe you can use it for yourself as well.
