Because Real Life...

When I quit smoking in '06, I also quit drinking to eliminate a trigger. As my smoking cravings vanished, I added a glass or two of wine until eventually it was a normal habit again. I got divorced, struggled, and persevered. I drank. I'd quit for a week, a few days just to prove I was in charge. I never drank before or during work. It never caused me to miss work. It DID help me do some really STUPID things in general, though. 😳

This past October, I took an online course about creating good habits and decided, as a whim, to create a habit of not drinking. 21 days. It was a novelty idea. That was my PR spin. I started to drop a little weight but I was so tired. And I craved sugar. I was overwhelmed by remorse for past relationships. But, I pressed on because the not drinking part was a piece of cake.

Holidays came and went. I was still kicking ass on the new habit, albeit destroying fields of sugar cane. And then days 90- 97 hit. Cravings came out of nowhere....and intensified. I thought 'I can just have one glass of wine' knowing full well I couldn't. I googled and found out that what I'd been experiencing - the tiredness, the cravings - were 'normal' for people who had a 'problem'. Because I was still having them at this point, more than three months in, I concluded that I was worthless and no longer in control and a failure. There's that brain of mine.

So, on day 94, instead of reaching out for any support, I gave up. I bought 2 4-packs of mini bottles, one red and one white, drank half of them ... and woke up the next day with a vicious headache. A case of hitting the bottom to be able to go up. And I reversed my decision to give up.

Day 94, was last Friday.

Today is 102. And now, today is what I think about. I've started another online course about clearing my life. And I'm learning.

It's like days 1-89 were grade school and all of a sudden, it was time for high school on day 90.  I didn't adjust and I faltered. I'm learning how to adjust.

Live your life and live it well. I'm certainly not any authority on being sober, but I'm working on it. I'm slowing my life down to an hour by hour basis. I've looked back a tad and realized that in this three month stint, I've done a lot of things that I wouldn't have had the patience for before. And I don't yell at myself for last weekend's weakness anymore.

I've moved on.

Aftermath

I am chaos and all colors. I am thunder and the storm yet also the sun and the breeze.   I am disorganized and messy and gloriously imperfect.  I love hard; I hurt harder. I'll wrap my arms around you and always be by your side. I'll shake up your life.

This is important: I'll ask for a centimeter. Just one. And then try to take a mile.

I'll push and I'll go over the line. And then I'll apologize for making you sweat. But I'll push again to get what I think you can give.

But you won't leave me, no matter what. You will push me back and try to calm the disorder. You will make me sit and talk. You will try to tame. And pick your battles.

But I won't ever doubt you.

And you won't leave.

You're NOT the One

NOTE: This is an episode from last winter

I remember 'saying' to him, in the midst of a desperate plea to know what was going on: "I wanted so bad to fall in love with you."

No, I didn't just think it. I said it. Yikes. There were immediate environmental circumstances involved - maybe the bottle of wine on the floor was a clue. But there were emotional circumstances right there at the surface, causing my fingers to type and hit 'send' before my brain had the chance to catch up.

It was one of the many one-sided conversations I had with him, just trying to figure it all out.

Embarrassing, right?

The back story is pretty boring. Dated this guy for a little over a month. Originally, HE pursued me. The way he stated it was that I was part of some New Year's resolution thingy. He texted. We hung out. He didn't 'just' want to have sex. And one day, he disappeared.

No explanation from him. And we were done. Although it took me a couple months - and him de-friending me on Facebook - to catch up.

I had considered him to be my chance to finally realize that I was not broken. That I could have a normal relationship, with normal men, who were vaguely my age. That people would want to DO things with me, rather than just DO me.

Come to find out, it wasn't my time for that epiphany. He had an amazing group of friends, but I pretended too much and tried too hard. He wasn't the guy. I wasn't his one. My post-psycho-behavior was fueled by the 'ghosting', not because of what we 'had'. Which, in all honesty, was just a couple of dates and nothing more.

And I'm glad.

You heard me.

I'm awfully fucking glad.

It was ME that had to tell me I wasn't broken. That's MY job...not someone else's.

And besides, just think of all that I would have missed.

Chess

Have you ever met someone who changed you? I mean for the better. Into a YOU that was even BETTER than the you that you were. Even when you were completely comfortable in who YOU were?

I did.

The first time I met my new doctor, I was 36. I had booked the physical because even though I was anti-doctor, I had seen the obituary of a gorgeous 35 year old Chicagoland brunette who had died from Melanoma. I was spooked. Doc took my info, heard I was a smoker, and said, "Okay, we'll put you on Wellbutrin. Pick a date three weeks from now and you'll be smoke free."

Cynical and stubborn me agreed, only because I knew I'd make my own rules. I wasn't ready to quit.  I followed the Wellbutrin instructions and found myself, three days after this doctor's appointment, going cold turkey on the smokes because I was frantic about my future and the future of my boys. Got to chalk that up to a sensitive reaction to the drug.

One time deal, right? Someone changing me??!

I've always been a very open, very flirty, friendly person. It's my personality, it's my job, it's my life. I just GET ALONG with people. And for YEARS, I have allowed my life (gee, maybe via this blog) to be public.

Recently, that's changed. I've changed. He changed me without even trying or asking or even knowing, until now. If he reads this.

I've had friends for YEARS whom I tell everything to. Well. I USED to tell everything to. I don't share now. I have no desire to. I'm protective of me, of HIM, of what entails us. He thinks it's because he reads all the comments on social media. It's not. It's different and so hard to put to words.

It's me. It's me who's changed the rules. Me who's become the Queen protecting her King. That person is now ME. I don't want people saying things about me because I don't want to allow a single doubt to get through our bubble, into his head.

I don't know if that's what will be a month from now, a year from now or forever. Maybe if I lose him, I'll go back to how I was, dishing details.

I doubt it.

He's changed me.

And I'm glad.

Fool Me Once...

I couldn't have been very old. Maybe 10 or 11. I remember that it was a birthday party, in an apartment by the golf course. What was that restaurant - the Brown Derby? The mom had set up some games for us to all play. This particular game involved going under a blanket. You were going to crash or some such scenario. To survive you had to take off something that you had on.

You already know where this is going right?

I was, and always will be, intelligent. I had my nose in a book from a very early age. However, I got passed up for common sense and good old fashion street smarts. Although, to be honest, in 1980 Amherst, Ohio there wasn't much need for street smarts.

Unless you were at a birthday party and didn't know how you found yourself trapped under a blanket with no idea what to take off.

So I started taking off clothes, because I wanted to be a team-player, never realizing that the mom would have never put a young child in this situation. I was scared and mortified. But I wanted to play the game so I could be 'liked.'

Of course, the mom stopped me (the kids thought it was all hilarious) and said, 'Jeni, the BLANKET is what you need to take off.'

 I never WAS the 'cool kid' and that birthday party pretty much confirmed it. There began the doubt. The second guessing. Not wanting to be made fun of again. Questioning.

A modeling agency wants to sign me? But WHY? I was 12 and hadn't, as my sister likes to say, grown into my nose yet.

The cutest boy in school wants to slow dance with me? But WHY? 7th grade with a massive crush on Bob Yergey

The best athlete in the senior class wants to 'go' with me? But WHY? Ah, Dominic.

The agency wants me to postpone college and go to Japan? But WHY? Of course I didn't go...but what if I HAD?

Wait, Northwestern accepted me? WHY? And I said goodbye to my plans to be a Wolverine and that leads us to present times.

I like to please people. I like to entertain. I like to give and give and give and give and give...emotionally, mentally, sexually.

And I get let down.

Not once.

Not twice.

Not three times.

Not - well, you get it.

This evening, this story and all of its branches was swirling inside my head and I knew I needed, if only just for me, to get it out.

Perhaps  I should have Let it Go or Shake it Off running in the background.

Something happened last night.

Wait. Let me back-track to December.

In December, my kitchen stove-ish caught on fire. It was December 13th, a Saturday, and I'd just come home from the XXXMas show that WIIL Rock hosts. I left early. And came home to a (itsy bitsy teeny tiny little green housakini) house full of smoke. To two dogs that found it difficult to move. And to some lost possessions.  An old college friend turned on again, off again lover begged me to bring myself and the dogs to his house for the night to get out of the smoke. I declined. Maybe you and I haven't met - I'm STRONG DO IT MYSELF JEN. Sigh.

Fast forward less than a month and I mention a 'date' that I've had on Facebook (RARE RARE RARE for me as I like to keep the inner most workings of my life private) - look at that! Sudden message from On again, Off again, THIS time accusing me of not taking responsibility for the fire and my actions.

Um WHAT?

I threw him under the bus on Facebook, ALSO something I don't normally do and am not proud of, and burned that bridge.

I honestly thought he and I could make something happen. Well then, 20 years under the bridge.

Next up, February. My ex hub landed in the hospital and I was on the group message with his family for his updates. A few days in, the group message started talking about how he needed to get laid, how he had horrible luck with women, how the 'next one' needed to have money and her tubes tied, etc. I didn't respond. When they continued the next day, I texted my ex and said, "I think your family forgot that I was on this thread." His reply?: "They are VERY aware you're on it." I was crushed. A favorite ex brother in law of mine and my step son were part of this. And my sons are exposed to this every other weekend when they aren't with me.

Still February for the next one. Remember the guy I had a date with in January? Yeah. I liked him. Too much probably. My reasons were valid: we liked similar things, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable and safe with him. I mean, there was no blazing inferno, but our personalities meshed.

So I thought.

After a Facebook gaffe by blindly clicking 'like' on a statement that was negative about him, he cut off all ties. Without explanation. In fact, I have not 'heard' from him since Feb 26th.

I 'expected' more.

And now to last night. I heard from a friend that a 'friend' was bad mouthing me. I wasn't 'successful' and 'time hadn't treated me well.'

Hmmm....let's see. I have natural nails, a natural body, natural boobs, a meager savings account, a 401k, own a house, own a car, have brilliant and successful children, have jobs that I adore....do you have another year for me to talk your ear off??

I'm done. YOU can please me.










HAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

There's a point to this and I think it's to have you see how normal we ALL are. I get bashed on a continual basis. When someone wants to ask me out I have to ask myself why and which Jen he's asking out.

I used this as a lesson today for my boys.

Maybe you can use it for yourself as well.

Why God Made Wine

Time to take a look back at my past week and a half. NONE of this is embellished.

• Exhub2 landed in the hospital with some pretty scary shit going on.
• Baby sister received her own medical diagnosis with more testing to go.
• I found out a friend stopped talking to me a year and a half ago because he was in love with me and couldn't stand to be around me.
• Middle sister got divorced.
• I outed a potential cheater to his live-in girlfriend and she kicked him out.
• A group of people I had respect for showed that it wasn't mutual.
• I had to sit through an orchestra concert.
• Big dog sliced up my curtains.
• Little dog reduced my shoe-load by two pair
• I was asked if my boobs were real
• A very good friend is struggling with marital issues.
• A friend lost her son.
• I got passed over for a canine.
• Oh, and I got my period.

What's the saying? God doesn't give you more than you can handle? I'm pleading with you - stop telling Him I'm a freaking super hero!!

And bring more wine.

Winter Self-Reflections (wow, that sounds literary!!)

I recently received a Facebook message from a guy who I really don't know at all. We had one mutual friend, so I can only assume that he is a listener of the station where I work. The message was this:

What is it you're looking for in a man? 

Have you just not run into him yet?

I guess I should expect messages like this when I make fun of myself ad nauseum for being single. My reply was this:

 I'm not really looking! But if someone comes around, I am willing to get to know him.

And he replied:   
You're a good person. You deserve a good man to be there for you. I hope you cross paths with him in the near future.

Now remember, he doesn't know me in person. He knows me from my online interactions, all those things I do on social media. The quotes I post, the stupid quizzes I take, the memes I share. How does he know I 'deserve' a good man to 'be there' for me? 

I mean, in real life, I'm a pretty addictive person. When I'm into it, I do EVERYTHING too much. Sometimes to a fault. Count calories, count carbs, drink wine, love, nurture, surround myself with 'stuff', watch Criminal Minds, be bitchy, eat nachos, be stubborn, spray paint household items, lay in bed on a ...well you get the picture! It'd take a certain kind of nut ball to be able to handle that. NO disrespect to ExHub 1 and ExHub 2, but my 'chooser' was out of whack both those times.

But let's not forget the most important part:

There is no one I'm 'looking for.' I've traveled that path in the past - The Looking Path - and have banged into a lot of dead ends. NOT a way to stumble through life!

There are no holes in my life that need to be filled. I'm 43: I have what I NEED in life. I own a home, a car, can financially support myself and my children. I guess, if you were searching for a word, you could say that my life is 'complete.' I still envision my future (post-kids-in-school) the way I have for at least a decade:

But. And this is a BIG but for me. ( I like big butts and I can not lie - Thanks, Sir Mixy!). Even the most 'complete project' has room for an addition.

Shhhhhhh...that's a secret just between you and me!!