Um, I Have to Bathe My Cat

In an uncharacteristic move, I was watching Seinfeld last night in bed.  Not that I was in bed...but that I was up that late and actually had the TV on.  Sheesh.  Whatever.

More important is this:  in the episode Elaine had met a guy (online?) and they were meeting up for a week long rendezvous at her apartment.  There were a ton of high expectations - you know how it is...you like the way the person sounds/writes/looks and you create this amazing fairy tale that has no chance of ever coming true.  RIGHT?!

Fairy tales - BAH!

So five days into the guy's visit, Elaine can't wait for him to leave.  Jerry or Kramer or George ask if there's been any hanky panky and she says, "No, I've just told him that I've had my period for the past 5 days."

Ladies, do you know that excuse?!  I do!

But wait!  Why do we even have to come up with excuses?  Why can't we just be honest and upfront?

~No, the boys aren't home but you're the last person that I would want to have visit me.

~No, I'm not bleeding like a stuck pig but the thought of your tongue in my mouth makes me want to vomit.

~Yes, I really do find washing my hair WAY more exciting then going out with you.

~No, I'm not really going to bed at 7:52...you're just really really boring me.

~Been there, don't that, didn't even want the souvenir shirt.

~The thought of your dick makes me want to think of vajay jays.

~You want another date?  Were you at the same date I was at?? 

And so on.

But no...we make excuses, tell our little white lies and continue to live another day.  And please, don't look for ME to be changing that anytime soon.  Even though I'm THAT middle-aged women, THAT Mrs. Robinson, THAT Cougar-in-training.  I'd rather stay at home if you can't pass my muster first.

Some years back I had a good friend create an even bigger white lie.   Although I didn't know that it was my friend BEHIND the lie for over a  year.  I'll explain.

A guy started talking to me online.  He was charming, charismatic.  He had nice arms in his profile pic (WAY important, as mentioned briefly here: http://jenmarr.blogspot.com/2010/08/im-driving-my-car-from-my-trunk.html ) He was funny, sexy.  I got to expose the side of me that I often kept under wraps.  And then he was gone. Whatever.

No, this was not him.

About a year went by and he was back.  We flirted.  We divulged fantasies.  And in the back of my head there was that little niggle that kept telling me that I knew who I was talking to.

This guy was aggressive.  He extracted information.  He got me figuratively down on my knees.  And yet...

No, this is not me!

It was an energetic online friendship.  And we decided to meet for lunch.  He told me what he'd be wearing and I set off from work at the appointed time to meet him at a local sandwich shop.  And really wasn't surprised at all when he didn't show.

I KNEW that something had been off.  I KNEW, but didn't force the issue.  But what I ended up finding out blew me out of the water.

Some claim to fabricate a twin to do their 'dirty work.'  That's exactly what a friend of mine had done to me.  (Yes, I called him a friend.  And actually still do to this day).  He was pissed at me so his goal was to leave me with a case of blue balls - girl style.  It worked.  His 'twin' talked a damn freaking good game.

Would it have been easier for him to tell me that he was pissed off at me?  Hell yeah.  We wouldn't have gone through all that bullshit.  However, honestly, it taught EACH of us a lesson or twenty.

He learned that he had the balls in HIM to be aggressive.  I learned how to expose myself even if it meant taking a hit.  He's now having the sex of his life...and I'm not holding anything back in my life.

;)

 

Condoning white lies?  I should be ashamed of myself.  Excuse me while I go wash my hair...