An X-ray of Me...

On the inside, should you take an emotional x-ray, you'd find a molten mess of a romantic wanna-be.  A heart that's been duct taped, super glued and hand stitched back together.  I pride myself in that it's whole.  For now.

Oh, I play a good jaded game on the outside...as I deserve.  I've not had much luck...so I pull that Crab shell over me and pretend the world is peachy, hunky dory, righteous.  (Yeah, I just pulled out the astrology on you.)

But, bless my heart, I keep going back into the ring to take more beatings.  (maybe this is a blog about cliches...)

A friend of mine shared something he had written about me while he was attempting to explain to another friend why he had sent me flowers.  Disclaimer is that he and I have known each other since we were 4 and in preschool together.  I love his wife.  We are friends.  NOT with benefits.

He wrote, not in entirety:

While she is attractive on the outside her inside needs a lot of help. Most people she encounters push a bullshit story her way because they are just looking at the outside. There is no value in those friendships. She has been hurt so many times by guys that she is very jaded about love but she keeps trying to meet someone. She has been slowly getting her life together in a way that is building confidence, self-worth and self-acceptance.

Ouch.  And that's even with the parts I deleted.

The truth hurts.

I was trying to find ways to make this funny, but it isn't happening.  But maybe it can be a lesson to someone reading it.  

Milk is free as long as you let it to be.

We all have our personal demons.

I love like I sing....totally engaged, but a little off key.

If I can get a better toe-hold by asking for advice, I will.

I had a chance to be a part of something recently.  I'm not sure the reason I'm not makes much sense to me, actually. (If you could follow that one, you know we well!) I mean, I can pretty much document every time I've fucked something up...and this time I fucked it up because I was trying hard NOT TO?  I'm 42 not 16 but the dating world still doesn't get any easier.  Maybe a break could be given now and then.  I just know I'm really sad about it. And one day, it too will move behind me.

But that last experience led me to this.  And led me to my friend sharing his thoughts.  And led me to learning how my true friends see me.  This is NOT a bad thing.

Thank you.