Kicking at the Tall Grass

So when I was in high school, I was a major nerd, a band geek, an innocent wall flower (until my parents moved out of state).  Wasn't in the popular group, wouldn't have ever made homecoming court (well, I didn't, so that's a fact) and got dance invitations by default (until they made me that fake ID in my back yard. What was my 'new' name?  Oh, just 'Jenifer Cox' - they thought it was a joke, I took it on as a lifelong challenge.  I KID I KID I KID...just a challenge for after my 40's)). That's what I remember, so that's what's gotta be true. Right?

The past is truthfully depicted in this artist's rendering:

Please notice the look of sad angst on the Wallflower's face as the popular kids (with the big hair) dance around her.

But then, a ghost from my algebraic past, a dude (not a dude-ette) who knew me before I started putting out (the garbage and doing other daily chores), told me there may have been another version to the story.  Something along the lines of this:

Please note the extra detail in the stick people.  The artist is quite proud of this. (And yes, the artist may have been a little soccer-player-obsessed back in the day.)

My Daddy putting a (non-violent but totally intimating) field around little old me?  His oldest daughter?  The one he thought would be virtuous until she was 35? (Hmm...42 now, subtract, carry the one...)  Say it isn't so!

Yet, I know it to be so.  Or at least I can move along that way of thinking.  Exhibit A is the above testimony.  Exhibit B is the testimony I received on a hot night in August, the year of 2007.  I was wearing a really crappy peasant blouse that did nothing for my figure.  But who cares.  The Class of 1987 was at Ziggy's celebrating their 20th.

Gratuitous shot from that night...I'm on the left...Yes, I have cured that problem and have eaten 200 sandwiches...(I also got rid of the shirt)

I ran into a guy I hadn't seen for...well, over 20 years.  Had thought about him here or there, but to tell the truth, at least the truth my friends remind me of, we pretty much couldn't stand each other at the end.  BUT.  Over lukewarm beer in plastics glasses (OOOOOOHHH.  Sing to the tune of  "Short skirt and...long jacket" by Cake!! LOL!), I was told a sordid tale.  One of misery caused by intrigue.  One of two parental units stopping at another parental unit's house and telling her, in no uncertain terms, that her son was to stay away from their daughter.  Well, THAT sucked.  That dude gave me my first French kiss...oh.  Maybe that's why.

Parents are sneaky as shit.  I didn't hear about Exhibit A until this past weekend and proved it by water-boarding my dad.  Nah, I just texted him:

Gotta Love a Wise-Cracking Dad! :)

Exhibit B was 6 years ago. Could I hold anything over my kids' head that long?  Would there be a time when I'd go behind their back to change what was happening in their lives?  Would I?  Would you?

I don't have girls.  Thank the Dear Lord in Heaven.  (SOMEONE loves me!) The hardest job I have is to raise decent boys and make sure they know how to give a compliment, how to work hard at what is right, how to show true affection, how to put the seat back down and what a condom is, when and if the time comes. The oldest knows that I can't be a grandma before I have sex again (...and the way that's going...)

Did Daddy save me or not?  Maybe I should go back and give it a shot with the ones he swore off....or maybe all of this was like rustlin' up 'sum 'rattlers in the tall grass.

Make sure your boots cover ONLY where you don't want to get bit.

Oh, and all artist renderings are on eBay.  At least until the 7 year old gets up and sees them and laughs me out of the house!

No More Safety Net?

Just some musings on this childless Sunday evening...

Twenty-four years ago, I was a small town girl deposited on the campus of a small town/big town university.  Back then, there wasn't a doubt in my head that I would make friends, be happy, succeed and have a blast.  And I did.  And that had a lot to do with my friends.

I remember being sick or upset or having just been dumped - who cares of the circumstance, one was as common as the other - and one of my friends made me a gourmet snack: Stouffer's Mac and Cheese and a piece of (I'm pretty sure it was) Pepperidge Farm white bread.  It was DIVINE.  Perked me right up!  Was the friend Jenn or Allison or Brooke?  Nope, it was Dave.

Dave was one of the oodles of 'brothers' of Ex Hub 1.  Even though EH1 was no longer a student on campus at this point, these young men continued to look out for me.

Trouble with paying my tuition sophomore year?  Two of the guys loaned me enough to register for classes. Have a need for a therapeutic trip to the mall?  One of them had a car handy.  Felt like a wall-flower at a kegger?  Sure enough, there was one of the guys.  

Once EH1 came back on campus my senior year,  they were even more inclusive...and kept their skepticism to themselves until first, we broke up and then second, we got back together, got married and then broke up again.  It was then and only then that they came clean.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not with my usual pizzazz, is that these guys were like brothers to ME. (Well, not in a few individual cases - that would be too creepy for words ;) )

Mid Senior year, after a pretty volatile break up, EH1 and I got pregnant...I still went to Darts but drank water instead of my usual vodka.  He still smoked; I quit.  I got huge, he still partied.  And he dropped out again.  I lost my connection with the group this time.  I got it though.  Things were different.

And then after graduation, I had a frat baby.  One of them.  The DNA of the house. (Well, not the ENTIRE house because that would be too creepy for words ;) )

The wedding happened - some were there.  We divorced.  Some were still there.  It's been 20 years since the Class of '93 graduated.  And some are still here. 

I've gone on dates with a few, both platonic and otherwise.  I've been included in fraternity events. They have donated to my children's school. They've fed me, employed me.  And I've thought I might have had my toe over the edge with a couple...

Lately, though, there's just something that's a bit off.

I think it's a fair assessment to say I've been 'using' them.  They are my safety net of sorts.  I tell myself that I haven't found anyone to date because they are not as smart, handsome, witty, fun, blah blah blah, as these men that I've known for 24 years.  (If I'd known in college what I know now!  lol)

I've been scared.  Looking to keep some link to the past, before life got hard and I was still Jeni.  Before I let doubt seep into my head and I was no longer sure that I would succeed.  My link.  To before.  And if you know these men, you certainly wouldn't blame me.  Incredible.  Each and every one.

But maybe...just like the 40 pairs of shoes that I must give up because they no longer fit...just maybe it's time to jump without a net...remember the good years but don't try to make them fit into my NOW life.   

I'm NOT Jeni anymore. I'm older, a little more emotionally beat up, but more determined than ever. Perhaps instead of trying to link to the past as a GOOD THING, it's really been holding me back?

Like everything else in my life right now, it's up for scrutiny.  Early resolutions, maybe? The process of change has begun..I'm intrigued to be on this journey.

Ya know, there WAS that one creepy dude on Match...maybe I should give him a ring!  ;)

ONE?

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Timothy Oliveira sets the stage for my thoughts with this quote: There are two kinds of sparks, the one that goes off with a hitch like a match, but it burns quickly. The other is the kind that needs time, but when the flame strikes... it's eternal, don't forget that.

Why do some people bother us and other people leave us hot and bothered? Why do we want to wrap our arms around one but only our legs around another?  Why does it take so long to warm up to one person while the other occupies our thoughts from the starting block? There’s the one you can cut out of your life without another blink juxtaposed against the one that haunts your heart for years.  The one that you feel differently about now than you did before.  Why does one person capture our attention but not another?

Why him and not him? 

Why her, but not her?

Why one night?

Why forever?

Is there a ONE?  Or are there several small ones?

I keep banging into these thoughts like a defective bumper car.  I can’t say, definitively, that I know if there is a ONE.  At least I haven’t successfully met mine yet.  Or maybe I did and I was too busy with replacement or 'scrub' ones.  I think I would have preferred there be a picture in my baby book along side the date of my first tooth, first shot, first bath…a picture of my predestined ONE. 

Some like the thrill of the hunt but where I’m concerned, the hunt can stay in the jungle. 

The process is so tedious.  So demeaning.  So revolting.  So frightening.  So tiring.

So sad.

I love that I am surrounded by couples who have managed to find each other.  They are each others'  ONE, the ONE that they will fight to keep. 

I hope that once I have fought through the jungle, participated in the hunt, fumbled with my matches, I will still have the energy to fight for the love I’ve found.  I haven't yet.

I’ll take a nap now just in case and leave you with some more good words from more famous people:

Mignon McLaughlin
Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before.

Helen Rowland
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

Mandy Hale
Don't ignore the love you do have in your life by focusing on the love you don't.

Charles du Bos
Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so.

Anonymous
It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you.