No More Safety Net?

Just some musings on this childless Sunday evening...

Twenty-four years ago, I was a small town girl deposited on the campus of a small town/big town university.  Back then, there wasn't a doubt in my head that I would make friends, be happy, succeed and have a blast.  And I did.  And that had a lot to do with my friends.

I remember being sick or upset or having just been dumped - who cares of the circumstance, one was as common as the other - and one of my friends made me a gourmet snack: Stouffer's Mac and Cheese and a piece of (I'm pretty sure it was) Pepperidge Farm white bread.  It was DIVINE.  Perked me right up!  Was the friend Jenn or Allison or Brooke?  Nope, it was Dave.

Dave was one of the oodles of 'brothers' of Ex Hub 1.  Even though EH1 was no longer a student on campus at this point, these young men continued to look out for me.

Trouble with paying my tuition sophomore year?  Two of the guys loaned me enough to register for classes. Have a need for a therapeutic trip to the mall?  One of them had a car handy.  Felt like a wall-flower at a kegger?  Sure enough, there was one of the guys.  

Once EH1 came back on campus my senior year,  they were even more inclusive...and kept their skepticism to themselves until first, we broke up and then second, we got back together, got married and then broke up again.  It was then and only then that they came clean.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not with my usual pizzazz, is that these guys were like brothers to ME. (Well, not in a few individual cases - that would be too creepy for words ;) )

Mid Senior year, after a pretty volatile break up, EH1 and I got pregnant...I still went to Darts but drank water instead of my usual vodka.  He still smoked; I quit.  I got huge, he still partied.  And he dropped out again.  I lost my connection with the group this time.  I got it though.  Things were different.

And then after graduation, I had a frat baby.  One of them.  The DNA of the house. (Well, not the ENTIRE house because that would be too creepy for words ;) )

The wedding happened - some were there.  We divorced.  Some were still there.  It's been 20 years since the Class of '93 graduated.  And some are still here. 

I've gone on dates with a few, both platonic and otherwise.  I've been included in fraternity events. They have donated to my children's school. They've fed me, employed me.  And I've thought I might have had my toe over the edge with a couple...

Lately, though, there's just something that's a bit off.

I think it's a fair assessment to say I've been 'using' them.  They are my safety net of sorts.  I tell myself that I haven't found anyone to date because they are not as smart, handsome, witty, fun, blah blah blah, as these men that I've known for 24 years.  (If I'd known in college what I know now!  lol)

I've been scared.  Looking to keep some link to the past, before life got hard and I was still Jeni.  Before I let doubt seep into my head and I was no longer sure that I would succeed.  My link.  To before.  And if you know these men, you certainly wouldn't blame me.  Incredible.  Each and every one.

But maybe...just like the 40 pairs of shoes that I must give up because they no longer fit...just maybe it's time to jump without a net...remember the good years but don't try to make them fit into my NOW life.   

I'm NOT Jeni anymore. I'm older, a little more emotionally beat up, but more determined than ever. Perhaps instead of trying to link to the past as a GOOD THING, it's really been holding me back?

Like everything else in my life right now, it's up for scrutiny.  Early resolutions, maybe? The process of change has begun..I'm intrigued to be on this journey.

Ya know, there WAS that one creepy dude on Match...maybe I should give him a ring!  ;)