This Is Not Your Mother Talking

One night over a childless weekend, I was texting back and forth with a guy who, since I'm still alive and breathing, I find interesting and attractive.  He asked me a curious question: Do you like being single? WHOA.  What the hell, Interesting and Attractive Man? Of COURSE I must like being single since I've been doing it so long..blah blah blah.  But let me not exactly say THAT to you because I think I might like for you to ask me out sometime.  So I'll come up with more blah blah blah and smoke screens.  BULLSHIT blown through. I couldn't shake him off with my infamous nonanswers.

At the same time, I was chatting with a girlfriend who was complimenting me on my steadfastness on waiting for what I want. For remaining single.  For sticking to my guns.

WHOA.

Is this Double-Agent-Ness?!

While I was hemming and hawing with IandAM about if I LIKED being single and trying to set GF straight that I was no saint, I (duh) was so conflicted.

During the past six years, I have done my damnedest to let EVERYONE (I mean, EVERYONE) know that I was fine, perfect, glorious even as a single woman of indeterminate age (Oh, just GO with it!!).  And I am.  Fine.

I have three monsters (ummmm....BOYS) that rule my life.  I don't have a second to date (ask anyone who's asked me out in the past 6 months). I have rules that I follow - I try not to get babysitters for my guys when their brother is at school because I did that WAY too much to their brother when he was young.  I am perfectly content with a book and my computer. 

And that's just where the fibs start.

I can't answer IandAM's question now because it's a week too late.  I should KNOW this shit. I'm the one that wrote the book. The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm not smart, stubborn, independent..(well, I AM but..) I'm SCARED.

I don't know how to do it. I failed twice because I settled quickly for someone that liked me because I didn't value myself enough. 

Oh, it's true.

Plus, I never want (again) the label of 'codependent.' I left my fiance because he made a gazillion more than I did and I felt 'kept.' I CAN'T be unequal.  

So after my second divorce, I opted out of the 'relationship' scene, preferring quick and easy rendezvous. Very quick and easy.

But to quote my friend Geoff (Chaucer): Time and tide wait for no man.

It became apparent within the past few months that something was missing. I hit what could be my mid-life point. I could have gone out and bought a Testarossa...(I bought a tiny house instead). But I didn't. I read Buzzfeed. And thought. As should you:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/couples-who-should-be-your-real-relationship-goals?bftw=main#2s2j08l

If' I am going to move forward with another adult, I want to have the partnership of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. (ha ha!  That's the kids talking!) I want to ride the waves. I want to learn and grow. I want to date. (Did I just say that??)

But how?

It brings me back to IandAM's question: Am I happy single? The answer is that I am, because I am unsure of the way to do it right any other way. Because I've taught myself to be this way.  I don't want to fuck it up. Maybe I'm looking for a teacher.