I've copied and pasted the break up text as show in the tweet by the dumpee's friend. Don't tell on me!
Here is an excerpt from the Yahoo article that really struck a chord with me:
"Both of the no-longer-lovers are unknown, but the women spoke to an Australian news website, ninemsn, about her ex. “He was 30, had a job, a car and a house. Certainly not what I normally manage to attract, so I thought I was onto something,” she said. ”He was a bit of a nerd, perhaps a bit quiet, but a genuinely nice guy all the same.”
They dated for LESS THAN TWO MONTHS.
I said to myself when I saw this: "DO NOT let this gorgeous nugget of comedy go without comment! This is the cure to your writer's block! (Ah yes, the voices in my head are at it again!) So, let's discuss shall we?
Number 1: "You refuse to update your relationship status on Facebook." Wow - he would have HATED me! I know people who (in my humble opinion) update their R status the second they are off the initial getting-to-know-you phone call. Me? If my status every says anything other than single, please call the authorities as it's clear I've been abducted by aliens. I touched on this in a previous 'piece' (wow, that sounds literary!) that I called "Can I blame Publicity?"
To be fair, most of the R-status-updates-groupies that I encounter are female. Only a small percentage are guys but when they get on board with status-updating...whoa Nellie!
Number 2: "You won't include me in things like the wedding this weekend. I should have been the one to escort you." Hmmm. It isn't clear if the girl took another person to the wedding, if it was a family wedding or if she was in the wedding. Let's assume, because that's what I do best.
A) She already had plans before she met the guy to go with someone else or someone elses. Wedding RSVPs typically are sent in right around the 4-6 week mark. Unless, you're me who forgets to RSVP completely and just shows up. But I digress.
B) It was a family wedding - in my world, if I'm dating a guy (stop laughing now...) for under 2 months and I haven't called him my 'boyfriend' (really, the snorting can stop...) then there is a reasonably good chance that he has not met my kids let alone anyone else in my family. Wedding? Not so much a good place for that intro (Side note: I say this from experience. I married exHub 2 after only being around him for a couple months and I met MOST of his family at OUR WEDDING.)
C) She was in the wedding. When I was in a wedding, I had enough to worry about (ugly dress, drunk partner, giving speeches, breast milk stains, peeing alone) than to worry about a Stage Five Clinger like this guy seems to be.
Number 3: "You are rude to my cat and that makes me uncomfortable." This is the only one he couldn't get me on because I am the owner of a psychotic cat myself. However, in my past life, I was VERY allergic to cats and would bat them off me with whatever it took when they, inevitably came to rub up against me. What can I say - I'm human cat nip.
Number 4: "You do not share your time equally and by now your boyfriend should be your priority." What the hell propaganda are they feeding their youngsters in Australia? I can't believe that her lack of sandwich making skills wasn't included in the reasons he broke up with her. If I were her, I'd have told him to go spend more time with his beloved pussy. In my life, my kids are and always will be the priority. I come after that. After 7 weeks, this loser bloke should feel lucky that she pats him absentmindedly on the shoulder as she passes him in the hall.
Number 5: "Your swearing is very unladylike." Well fuck that. Said with this classic look:
Number 6: "You won't disclose how many sexual partners you have had which makes me think it is upwards of 3 and anything more than that is unacceptable." Wow - glad to know he's a card carrying member of the Moral Patrol. Quite frankly, unless the sweet Aussie has a STD, Bozo has no need to know her past. Our past is our past. (Soap box, how I've missed you.) As long as I know that I am disease-free and protected, there is no reason for me to discuss in minute detail my sexual past to anyone other than my doctor. And then, maybe not. Unless you've given me an advance to write a book. Then maybe.
I can completely picture this guy in my mind. He contacted me during my three week stint on Match.com back in 2013. For the sake of this blog, I even enacted a fake membership to go see if I could find him. Lo and behold...he's GONE. Seeing as how he was SUCH a fine catch, I can only conclude that he is the 'gentleman' (read: caveman) that wrote this text.
May I remind you that these two lovebirds dated for LESS THAN TWO MONTHS.
Single life, you're looking amazing to this (relationship status:) single woman who loves to do the Hokey Pokey alone while yelling at my cat as I am eating a fucking incredible pint of ice cream alone while writing my own personal Kama Sutra.
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