Perrier and Grey Poupon

Over the past four years, I've gained about 25 pounds.  NO!  Don't stop reading.  This is NOT an I'm fat entry!!! It's as if the weight suddenly realized that I had done NOTHING four years ago to deserve my lack of curves:  didn't diet, didn't exercise - only thing healthy I did was to quit smoking.   I enjoyed living in the body of a 20-something girl.  Firmly poured into my size 4's and strutting around in little tops and bathing suits (I was 36 or 37 years old)  I thought I looked great.  Everyone around me told me to eat a sandwich.  Of course, as the old adage goes, hindsight is 20/20 and I have pictures to prove that I needed to eat MANY sandwiches.  But I digress.

So I've put back on the weight and then a little.  Enough so that I sought professional help from our strength and conditioning coach:  I call him the Task Master.  Now, he's not a very nice guy generally but giving orders is his thing so he was happy to start instructing.  With his help and suggestions on diet and exercise (although I'm pretty sure he was joking when he sent me the blog about the woman who can hip thrust like 500 pounds) I've seen some movement in the waistband of my pants.  However.  I'm still light years away from volunteering at a bikini bike wash or signing up to be a Ring Girl (you're welcome).  In fact, I'm light years away from a bikini period.

I've gone a few summers without actually putting a suit on.  If I'm sitting in the sun, I will wear a tank and some short shorts...no one to show my tan lines to anyway :)  But I decided to take the boys swimming tomorrow.  And seeing as neither of them are proficient swimmers yet, I'll have to get in the pool too.  (by the way, why are the toes on my right foot uglier than my left foot?  Just an observation that I am having as I get my toes pool-ready for tomorrow).  A mental inventory of my swim (hahahaha) suits had me sighing as visions of sagging and/or over-exposed body parts filled my thoughts. No worries - pay day is tomorrow and there's a Target on the way home.  I justified the expense as a 'have to not embarrass the boys' emergency expense.

So I head to the clearance.

Side note:  why are there already bathing suits on clearance?  Doesn't it make you wonder what happened to them already?  Were they already dry cleaned to remove stains, blood, brain matter?

Have avoided the bikini tops, plunging necklines, blah blah blah...and find a few things to try on.

Side note:  Why oh WHY hasn't someone fixed the damn lights in the dressing rooms....Cybil Sheppard should have handled this in the 80's.  SOFT focus, people.

AND I FIND IT.

It's worthy of Marilyn Monroe.  Or Audrey Hepburn (if I was in my 25 pounds lighter stage)  One piece.  Potentially strapless.  Empire waist detail - the smallest part of the body (thank you Stacy and Clinton).  Not a jiggle or wiggle showing.  No butt cheek, no cleavage.  Glamorous.  And, while searching for a picture (which you can find on Target's website) I found that this item was not to be stocked in stores.  My luck has shown up in spades.

So tomorrow, when I head to the public pool in the lovely town I live in, I will be vintage glam in my new ($17) suit.  I feel as if I should be wearing elbow-length white gloves, my Matinee necklace, ruby red lips, sipping on a Perrier and ready to offer the Grey Poupon.

(toe update.  both sides look like hell now.  I need a professional pedicure.)