Catholic Guilt

A few years back I had this idea to write this (completely fictional) TV show pilot about a woman (relatively attractive) in her mid 30s who after years of not having sex, suddenly gets a super-charged libido – out of NOWHERE. Like a little slice of heaven. Or a slice of flourless chocolate cake. SIGH.  Unfortunately, it was right at the same time she was separating from her husband and engaging in a prolonged legal tiff.


One would think a collection of toys could be, at this time, utilized to take a little of the edge off. But no. Our somewhat deranged leading lady decides that she doesn’t want to look like a sexual miscreant should the subject ever be brought up in family court…so she decides to dump the box load of goodies that have been residing under her bed.

Pilot episode:

We watch as the leading lady fills a medium-sized Contempo Casuals bag with the aforementioned items. (Of course they’re not mentioned by name or specifically…this isn’t Two and a Half Men for god sakes.) Short of sterilizing the items, she makes sure that they are untraceable (No DNA) should the cops ever decide to come looking for her for illegally dumping trash. Right. Because she wasn’t putting them in HER garbage can. Hell no.

She puts the bag in her mom-mobile and drives around with the playtoys for days, trying to figure out where exactly she can throw them away. A few times, buzzing could be heard from within the bag…it takes our dimwitted lady a few moments to figure out that she failed to remove all the batteries and that the items where actually beginning to pleasure each other out of boredom. (not that boredom was a rare thing for them - each of the items had sustaining relationships with the dust bunnies under the bed)

Finally, she coasts up to an apartment complex that has an open garbage receptacle in plain view…with no cameras focused on it. Our CSI-loving lady furtively jumps out of her car, tosses in the bag, and to the sound of buzzing, quickly peels away in the van.

The episode ends with a little boy reaching into the garbage bin.

And our leading lady gobbling down a quart of Ben and Jerry’s out of pure frustration.

Not the smartest move there, toots.

I repeat.  Completely fictional.