I have the attention span...or is that longevity...or it that sex drive...of a gnat.

Things I learned today:

• That the Shaw’s jird, kinda a gerbil like thingy, can have sex (or whatever you call it in jird-land) up to 240 times an hour. Now THAT’S time management. But wait. WHO ACTUALLY SAT THERE WITH THE CLIPBOARD?! And the stop watch. Would you perhaps bring an abaccas out for that?

I learned this because I googled “Animals with the biggest sex drive.” Yes, I did. What, hopefully, is more frightening is that I actually got results from this query, in particular, an article in Esquire magazine by Stacey Grenrock Woods. www.esquire.com/women/sex/sex0907. I mean, who the hell would be asking this question but me?!

Why, Jen? Why did you feel the need to google this particular phrase? Well, I’ll tell ya. I was sincerely hoping that the answer to my search wouldn’t be ‘man. ‘ or ‘homo sapiens’ or ’20 or 30 or 40 something males in Illinios” because THEN, yes THEN I would have started thinking something was wrong with ME. I mean, in my sphere (which, albeit, isn’t large) there is NO ONE that could take on the gerbil thing.  I can sense all of the ‘aha’ moments happening now!

It would make me feel better if I googled “animals with the smallest sex drive” and got 2 gazillion hits for all of the men I have ever dated. Or wished to date. Or borderline stalked. Or thought about.  Or dreamt about. Or...Crap.  Shutting up for hope that I may have a future date.

Extra credit from this: the bonobo (pygmy chimpanzee) has sex for favors, pleasure, social positioning and food. (without getting paid or jewels or a nice car?? PSHAWWW) The dolphin has been catalogued getting it’s rocks off with seals, sharks, turtles and eels. (I was trying earlier to equate that to a human…and threw up a bit in my mouth.) There was even this account that I could totally appreciate about a little otter from a Miami zoo that would go out and squat on the spray of water going into her pool. After FIFTEEN SECONDS, she would go into this little quiver and convulsion and tip over.



Lesson two:

• NEVER prejudge who is listening to a certain type of music. I was driving home today with the minis, singing a song or something with them when I heard the traditional and stereotypical THUMP THUMP THUMP bass of rap music from my left. I ignored it for a bit, assuming that I’d see some of the slicker cars that belong to the younger set (oh my god, I sound ancient. I can’t for the life of me think of the thing those kids do to their cars to make them better. Max would be dying!).  So I finally turned to my left and almost peed my pants.

The woman in the powder blue Impala had pasty white skin with hair that hasn’t been in style for a hell of a lot of years. I mean, when I was 7 the look wasn’t great, but at least I had 1978 to blame it on. There was a Betty Crocker air freshener hanging from her review mirror and some sort of school bumper sticker on the back. I am here to say, that the only thing more ridiculous would have been if I had been in my mom- mobile busting out to Ludacris (oooohhh, so love that one song “What’s Your Fantasy.”). But do you see what I mean?
Moral of the story: A chick with really bad hair doesn’t limit her bad taste to fashion.

Lesson three:

• A dad walking his child in an umbrella stroller is either really really really hot….or really really really not.

Lesson four:

• Children learn how to prevaricate about their homework during the second week of kindergarten.

Lesson five:

• My dog poops more than any other living thing I have ever come across.

Lesson six:

• Because I am sick, I will have all of these ‘amazing’ thoughts run through my head that I MUST put down on paper immediately.

Lesson seven:

• When I start misspelling common words…like ‘come’…I may want to rethink the literature that I’m reading.