Online Dating, Ghostwriters, Confession and Liz Lemon

I've toyed with the idea of online dating but inherently know that I'll never give it the fair shake that it would deserve...too many conflicts, too easy to talk myself out of...it'd be wasted money.  In conversation with one of my friends today, he decided that he was going to take me on as a 'client' and find me 'what I was looking for.'  Oh boy.  Shemar Moore.  Find me Shemar Moore.

Why am I writing?  Isn't there a "Criminal Minds" episode on??!!

He would vet potential potentials for me, filtering the riff and the raff that could clog up one's psyche.

Okay, I'm game.  It beats Speed Dating (thought about because I seriously thought I'd be doing the collection of 'eligible men' a favor by only having to be exposed to me for a minute or two. Nice anti-dating attitude, Marr)

My sons have taught me well.

So he asked me a few really basic questions...how young was too young, how old was too old... and put together this funny/serious singles ad for me  (mind you, not ALL the info is correct.  some of the 'stats' are wrong.  I don't weight 138, I'm not a 34D, my kids aren't ages 20, 9 and 7...And some of the other stuff was pure conjecture on his part - sophisticated?  Never.  Laid-back?  Probably not.  Stunning?  Cute on a good day  The 'necessities' are all his too.  Well, frankly, it WASN'T written by me!!).

My Ghostwritten Singles Ad:

Seeking: Thought-provoking male between 33-43 interested in a fun, intellectually stimulating relationship with sophisticated yet laid-back, stunning 41 year old female. Prefer someone with life experience, who is low maintenance but full of energy and spunk.

Goal: A long-term, stress-free relationship without having to spend countless hours withering away in the bar scene.

Stats: Numbers aren’t important, are they? OK, maybe to some. So… I’m tall (5-9), but that doesn’t mean I played volleyball in college, 138, 34 (d), and great legs. I have 3 kids, from 2 marriages, and my children are my life. They are 20, 9 and 7 (guessing here).

Necessities: You must be educated, funny, at least my height, knowledgeable about college basketball and music, and flexible (not just of the bendy variety). You must not be shorter than me, living at home with your parents, 36 missing teeth, in possession of stalker traits, owner of a police record or just hoping to get laid.

Summary: I spend a lot of time working – probably too much, actually. I need to make time for me. I want to not only find that time, but find someone terrific to spend it with. Not seeking to get married or find someone to take care of me/my kids. I need someone who can make me laugh, challenge my mind and stimulate me physically. If you don’t consider yourself an A-plus kisser, move on. And if you do, but I grade you differently, buh bye. Life’s too short to not find a compatible soul to share it with - on multiple levels.

To be honest, I was stunned.  There was a lot there that WAS on the money.  I shared it with a few close friends, friends I've BEGGED to help me, and they nodded their heads in agreement with my ghostwriter. Way to go, guys.  Thanks for the help

Made him change the police record thing.  Wouldn't want to be hypocritical!

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Reading a new book by a new author, speaking of writing.  This one is called "How I Came to Sparkle Again," by Kaya McLaren.  Already some great lessons but I love this passage:

"She hadn't gone to confession in years, but suddenly she believed it might feel good.  She thought about what she would say and realized it wasn't the actual sex she felt was the great sin.  It was the fact that she had lost faith.  She had lost faith that God had a better plan for her when it came to love, and as a result, she had settled. She needed to repent for treating her body as if it were a cheap motel instead of a temple."

And then, to close with something from Liz Lemon:  “I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching “Lost.” And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed – like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damned Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.” —Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter (4.17)

Thank you, Liz Lemon.  Thank you.  You give all of us single women (who are hopeless) hope.