Enough to Fit a Tea Cup?

I really think every person has something that they HATE to go shopping for. That item that they need, but break out in hives just thinking about stopping at the store and grabbing it off the shelf/rack/wall/bin.  A scientific quick poll at the office unearthed these detested shopping items:

household furnishings 

This guy was VERY anti Bed Bath and Beyond - it was a bit scary

shoes

This guy's Fred Flintstone feet make shoe shopping sucky.

 jeans

The nice ones are all too long which is royally shitty when you're slightly height-challenged

 condoms

Remember the story of me trying to 'hide' the condoms in my general purchase by also buying Vaseline and a ruler?  No freaking lie.

For me it's bras.

Especially since I found out Victoria's Secret:  she doesn't like top heavy ladies with cantaloupe-shaped girls.

I'm pretty certain my bra angst stems from deeply instilled trauma from my first bra-buying experience.  I think the word I shall use to describe it is...MORTIFYING.  (Cue really sad and depressing music) I was in 5th grade and my mother decided that my bee-sting breasts needed to be covered.  Off to Hills we went.  Where we saw almost every person in our extended family and a handful of classmates to make sure there was maximum embarrassment.  Ah, life in a small town.

To make matters worse, the next day I wore my favorite blouse which happened to be a little see through.  SO EVERYONE KNEW I HAD A BRA ON.

UGH.

And it hasn't gotten any better.  Stores use abysmal lighting and fun-house mirrors - you might as well bring the flask right into the dressing room with you.

Add the little old lady with the measuring tape around her neck who wants to fondle you and lift you (Hey, my doctor ALWAYS tells me that my boobs are perky...) and bra shopping is a nightmare.

Fran, she's gotten her boobies. Oh, and they are so perky! 

It was out of desperation that I decided to turn toward an online company.  Really, it is the first step in becoming socially awkward and never having to leave my house again.  My cat could use a few friends...and I could wear that hat I saw online...whoa.  But, when I read the company's motto, I was hooked: "No Fitting Rooms. No Measuring Tape."  I sighed in relief.  I could go another day without seeing the wide expanse of my ass in the distorted mirror.

There was a 'fit quiz' to see what size you were.  To me, it was a little like Match.com - why are you asking me what type of guy I like when I am on a FREAKING dating website to cure my bad taste in men!  But I took the quiz anyway - spent a LOT of time looking at my girls.  Lifted, felt, compared, contrasted...it was like being in a relationship again. Rejoice!  I've posted parts of them below.  I mean, I've posted parts of the quiz...not THEM.  And really, it's a quiz you can't fail because it's all about you, right?...

What do you mean what shape am I? I'm globular.

I checked to see if they were happy or if they needed another cocktail while they were resting.

Yes, I checked.

...WRONG.  My five bras came last night and, just like my taste in men, weren't even remotely right.  I overflowed every damn one.

With a deep sign, I capitulated and came to the brutal realization that this weekend, I will have to go visit a little old lady with a tape measure around her neck.

But at least I'll get some action.