Saw a magazine headline at the local Super K that scared the ever living crap out of me. “We’re Ready for More!” screamed the tabloid! Heidi’s multiple personalities talking about more nips and tucks? Corporations begging for more bailouts? Aliens talking about the beefing up of their human tagging supplies? The CSI franchise adding Sheboygen, Clovis, NM and Scranton to their line up? Lindsey's prison girlfriends hoping for another conviction?
Far worse, my friends.
Jim Bob and Michelle are committed to procreating baby #20. No, that is not a misprint…TWENTY CHILDREN. (hell, I have THREE and barely remember their names.) Doesn’t the poor woman ever get a freaking chance to fit into her pre-pregnancy clothes? If I couldn’t see my toes for that many years in a row, my toe nails would make the Guiness Book of World Records. And I would be very very very grouchy. (You don’t want to see me grouchy.)
So baby Josie just came out of the hospital and Jim Bob is already getting the Barry White cds ready. I am willing to bet, though, that old Shelly gets pregnant just by looking at him…or folding his socks when they come out of the dryer. Really, she can’t have the kind of energy or enthusiasm after a day with 19 kids that leaves time for a little humpty dance with the Mister. Or, maybe she’s a sexual freak of nature…and in that case, she needs to be bottling that shit up!
I am SOOO not saying their religious convictions are false or marred or cracked…they live debt-free, don’t live on welfare, and claim that God will determine how many children they have (how many ‘J’ names can you come up with, anyway…although, they cheated with kid #6…Ginger should be spelled with a ‘G’ not a ‘J.’ Are you telling me Jim Bob never watched Gilligan’s Island and had the Mary Ann versus Ginger debate? He was a politician for gosh sakes!) but maybe, just maybe, they may want to have a second opinion about that no birth control stance. I’m just saying. Condoms are cool…don’t they know that? So many shapes and flavors, textures, whistles and bells. (uh, so I hear) I’m betting that someone is going to come up with a condom that gives ladies a fluoride treatment during…well, you know. And I digress.
Okay, update. I lost count after 300 J names, 19 of course of which they’ve used (even with the scandalous JINGER. Can you IMAGINE how she gets ridiculed?!). My bet is on Jenga. Shelly, I don't think you need it, but I have this cute little nighty that I can loan you...it's certainly gettin' no play at my house.
1) 2 of the 3 'inputs' are 100% safe, roll her over.
ReplyDelete2) let's see that nighty in the soon to be coming pic section!
Ju-Jitsu comes to mind, for a bit of the worldly aura. Though, if they're of a certain religion that shuns birth control, they probably would never give their child a name that sounds like "Jew."
ReplyDeleteAnd, DAMN, Jen! Why have you only been blogging since a couple weeks ago? You're damn funny, and you write superbly! I'm jealous.
blush
ReplyDeleteJust love this blog...hilarious and VERY entertaining. That poor woman will die young. Every single mother I know who had big families (10 plus) died young...sad, but true. So then Jim Bob will be left caring for all 20 children. Maybe that will be Michelle's revenge for not being able to kick him out of bed, when she really wanted to sleep...or go to the gym to lose all that pregnancy weight!
ReplyDeleteKeep writing, Jen. You write the type of blog that people look forward to sitting down and reading at the end of the day. Here I am at nearly 11 pm enjoying the past entries I haven't ready yet! :-)