I Can't Drive 55

I suck at cars. I really really do. I used to say there are only two things in this world that I can’t learn…the stock market and craps…but now I know that was a big fat lie. I was wrong; There’s cars. I’m not all little girl, poor is me, I just don’t understand that my car needs gas, dumb. But I AM dumb.


A high school boyfriend’s parents owned a tire/repair place. I remember his mother saying to me: “Really? You have that much money that you can buy a new engine for your car when it goes? Just change the oil.” I was 17. About 20 years later, I took a different car there and the manager called me up and said, “I didn’t know you were making so much money that you could pay for a new engine. Would you just change your oil?” Sigh.

I’m the type of car owner that if I ventured into a car lot, all of the shiny new convertibles would immediately put their tops down and close up shop. Everyone would take a few steps back…leaving only the most broken down of cars remaining. Yes. It’s true.

I know what a strut tower is. Why? Because the tow truck driver informed me that mine was about to blow out of my hood and through my windshield.

I know what tire end rods are. Why? Because mine were broken. Oh, so broken.  And I got to touch them before they went to tire end rod heaven.

Much to the chagrin of a preschool friend who owns a shop, I change my brakes when I hear metal. I change my oil when my car starts to overheat (usually around 7000 over the recommended changing time). I changed my windshield wipers only after they left a permanent groove in the windshield. And let’s not even TALK about the interior.  (Yes, I know, stating that I have two small boys only works so long.  The morning show dj once told me...This LOOKS like the car of a dj - look at all the fast food wrappers!)

I don’t deserve a bright shiny car. Not until I learn cars. Which is guaranteed to be after I learn the stock market and craps.