I am going to close my eyes and jump feet first into the nation’s hottest debate.
Gay marriage? Immigration? Who should replace Simon?
No, ladies (and gentlemen), I am going to put my big ole size 9 1/2s in my mouth and talk about SIZE. DOES IT MATTER?
Yes. Emphatically, YES! … and NO. I spent many years on the NO side, out of the kindness of my heart…and sheer stupidity…well before I learned to be selfish and only be out for Number 5, aka ME. Many many many MANY years. Ahem. And then I had an epiphany and realized you can still make butter with a puny (I’m sorry, SIZE CHALLENGED ) churn, baby, but you gotta have some bulging biceps. So now, I linger my gaze on the arms…skinny ones? Oh hell.
What I feel is WAY more important is not the size, but the scent. Long after I’ve ditched ( I say that like that's how it happens!!) the relationship and can’t recall specific details of the real and not made up size of the whoositwhatsit (HAHAHAHAHAHA), I can still remember the overall scent of the person. I don’t mean ‘scent’ necessarily as in ‘odor,’ although, truth be told, I started carrying around breath mints (but didn’t cross the line into deodorant or body wash) early on in my singledom. Along with the smell of baby powder and baby lotion (although SO not in the same way) my hormones (or whatever) get triggered at the merest whiff of men’s cologne.
From the first time I purchased a men’s cologne (Estee for Men – high school boyfriend) and sprayed the contents of the $32 bottle all over my sheets and into my fan, I have been obsessed with the aromatherapeutic (yes, I believe I made this word up) benefits of men’s cologne. And the really good dreams that seem to come with it!
I’ve had a lustful cologne-affair with Fahrenheit (first husband), CK1 (but not B for god sakes – and THAT guy is a WHOLE ‘nother story, Shirley), the afore mentioned Estee, Azzaro Chrome (past fiancé), the ENTIRE Abercrombie & Fitch store (I would wander the store, glassy-eyed in a sexual haze…ma’am Kohl’s is a few stores over), Drakkar (didn’t we ALL?), and some VS men’s stuff (thank you , oh THANK YOU hot stranger who looked at me funny when I smelled your neck….oooh the DREAMS from that one!). I even have Old Spice in my cabinet…and NOT because of the uneven-pectorally- muscled Isaiah Whatshisname. Ladies, look at your man. Now look at me. Crap, I don’t even HAVE a man to look at!
Men’s cologne…in the Book of Jen Marr, WAY more important than anything else. Men, ARE YOU LISTENING? Let your ladies buy it for you. Then just hope she doesn’t have stock in it!
Happy sniffing … and Ladies, may you encounter men with big …biceps.
I stick with George scent and my 'man soap', however, I have 7 1/2 inches...
ReplyDeleteWhere is the Pics section?????
ReplyDeleteSo, it was hard (no pun intended) to tell from your post, have you ever had one you really liked? a nice big one? long and girthy?
ReplyDelete[trying frantically to remember where I stashed all those cologne sample bottles, and to come up with some excuse to be in your neighborhood and casually bump into you all aromatic and manly-smelling...and doubling up on the biceps curls!!]
ReplyDelete