Privacy Smivacy

I get so jealous of my single friends that get to sleep in the buff. Okay. I don’t actually know anyone that sleeps sans skivvies. Well, except in the fluff chick novels that I use to stimulate my brain. And dang, am I jealous of those people! And it’s not even a body conscious thing. Okay. That’s a lie. Well, a little one. While I am firmly in middle-age-lacrosse/tee ball-mom-who-doesn’t-exercise-frumpiness, I’d give into the queasiness of seeing my gravity-addled body in the mirror if I could wake up from a night of skin-on-tickle sheets slumber. Preferably after 10 or 12 hours. On a down-covered bed. In the Caribbean. To the smell of coffee. And the sound of waves crashing.  (insert alarm clock sound effect here.)


So no, it’s not really a body thing. The real reason I’m jealous is that these fictional characters can actually SLEEP NAKED without having to worry about being caught…by little boys or 90 pound dogs! Life changes when you become a parent (duh)…and even more so when there isn’t another parent in the room to provide coverage and a distraction should little 45 pound torpedoes come barreling into your room.

Being a single mom to two little boys (the oldest can actually go to the men’s room alone!) is in itself a bit of a conundrum. As we all know…tollway rest stops are hunting grounds for pedophiles. NO NO NO. I just made that up. (I hope) HOWEVER, there is NO WAY in HELL that my two little boys will use the men’s restroom in ANY public place….especially a tollway restroom. So, they have to come in with me. Luckily, they no longer have to come in the stall (that was interesting, to say the least)…they stand in front of the door so I can see their shoes. And I tell them that it's rude to try to peek through the crack in the door.
Getting dressed is another matter. Children the age of 4 or 5 (or ANY child for that matter) really don’t get the concept of a closed door. The day that Max said to me 15 years ago “Mommmmmy. You look sooooo beautiful” when he walked in on me changing (my couture outfit at that moment was a black bra and black tights) I finally realized that privacy runs out the door the minute you become a single parent. The other moment was when I was getting into the shower and he came in…”MOM? Why do you have a tree on your butt?” Um, it’s not a tree. But that’s not the point!

But do you have to be single to feel this vacuum of privacy? I was just chatting with a wonderful friend of mine and she told me that she can’t get a moment of it. She recalled a morning not too long ago when she (we’ll call her Lucy) was showering and her husband (he’ll be Ricky) was shaving or something at the sink and her two girls (uh…Little Lucy one and Little Lucy two) were playing in the bathtub…without water. Here Lucy is, trying to get clean and non offensive and her entire family of four is in the Freaking bathroom with her! To make matters worse, after shooing everyone out of the bathroom, Lucy felt confident enough to get out of the shower and reach to grab a towel. From her room (oh, I forgot to mention that there is NO DOOR between her bedroom and bathroom, aka Family Room) Little Lucy one squeals, "MOMMY, YOUR TUSHY SHAKES LIKE JELLO!!!"

Note to self: NEVER HAVE GIRLS. Note to Lucy: GET A DOOR! Note to Little Lucy one:  Mommy is about 90 pounds soaking wet and ALL PICTURES ARE AIRBRUSHED!

No, my friends, the lack of privacy is color-blind, gender neutral and doesn’t care if there is a ring on your finger or not. Ladies, the first time you feel nauseous from that glorious creature (or creatures…or basketball team) that you have created, well, you can just kiss your privacy goodbye.

If you’re single and have all the privacy that you can stand, I have 90 pounds of little boys and 90 pounds of dog that I can loan you before you decide to hook up and procreate! After that, we’ll all get together to throw you a going away party for your privacy.