The Weight of the World

Since I've been going to a chiropractor, I think I've probably learned a WHOLE bunch about myself.  (Not really, but I want to make the Doc feel better.  Actually, I think the one that learned more was HIM!). 

 For starters, I'm really 6'4" and depending on which direction I turn, my chest either crosses the border of WI, the lake, IN or IA.  HA.  I thought my shoulder muscles were for carrying my babies...and groceries...and my purse.  WHO KNEW that they actually helped make me stand taller!  

I found all of the missing balls and marbles from my childhood:  they are lodged in the back of my head...in the muscle that is the opposite of the frontalis one..and in my trapezius and my Latissmus Dorsi.  I'd show you a picture of what I'm talking about, but then you'd get excited.

There are places where there should not be mirrors.  The Chiropractor's office is one of them.  If it's after work.  ESPECIALLY if it's after work, you've had a bad day, are PMSing, need to slather on more makeup, hate your hair, look like a bag lady and REALLY need to...sleep.  (Not really on the last one, but I am trying to make this a PG rated blog!!)


ALSO:  Make sure you know what activities are in store for your session.  If it will require MORE than a killer massage, make sure you leave the skirt and stiletto heels/boots at home.

I quit smoking in 2006.  Can't STAND the smell of after-smoke.  However, after a session at the Doc's, I feel like I should have a celebratory smoke.  Now mind you, this is no pansy fansy massage I'm talking about.  This is pain (coming from a woman that's birthed three children) that could register on a scale of 1 to 10 at around a 7.987.  And it's goooood pain.  (Until the next f(*&^ing day.  When you can't move or turn your head.)

You should check your doctor's credentials before booking an appointment.  I did.  Oh wait.  Um. You should at least check to see if he or she lists 'sadistic' as an adjective describing them.  (Personally, I think 'sadistic' is a given.)  I actually JUST checked out my doctor.  He was given 5 out of 5 stars.  I'm glad his wife got to that so quick!

I've found that the Doc thinks that my body should be able to do things that I really don't think my body should.  (has anyone's personal guy read Penthouse Forum?  Yeah, it's kinda like that without the sex.)  He said today, "Hey, your leg's not even at 90 degrees yet."  HELLO!  Almost 40.  What the HELL does my leg need to be at a 90 degree angle for?!?!

Oh, the conversations to be had...all because I have a whacked body that needs attention.  MEDICAL attention.

"Jen's Men"

This morning I came up with the most amazing business idea ever.  (and if it's already been done, don't burst my bubble).  I'm going to need a stable of stallions, first off.  Men, not the Equus ferus caballus variety.  I am going to start an escort service called "Jen's Men," marketing motto: Yes, You CAN Do It Yourself, but WHY Should You?  My mission statement:  Give every woman like myself the opportunity to get what she really needs from a man.

So, if you're one of my male friends reading this, how about joining the business.  Trust me.  Women don't care about looks, your career, the type of car you drive, your intelligence - or lack thereof, whether you're married or single. She just cares about your skills.

Your garbage-taking-out skills, your snow shoveling and snow-from-the-car-removal skills, your spider killing skills, your scooping poop skills, washing the dog skills, moving furniture skills, washing the car skills, your removing-the-gunk-from-the kitchen-pipes skills.

I foresee success!

Have a wonderful snowy Tuesday!

Pissed off

I've come to a point, belatedly, I may add, where I believe the first question that you should ask yourself EVERY morning is:  Who am I waking up for today?  Who needs me the most?

If you are at the top-ish of that list, then kudos to you.  That's where we NEED to be.

I'm not saying that men don't do this, but I'm not a man so I personally can't relate.  Women tend to put themselves at the bottom of their TO DO list.  And it takes its toll.

Ladies, let's resolve to take a moment or two to realize that we DESERVE to have time spent on just US every day.  Whether it's at 5am with a cup of coffee, noon doing some lunch aerobics or after the kids and significant other are asleep.

We NEED this and it is not selfish.

I promise.

The Restroom Test

In my bathroom at work....a public one for the whole floor...there are only three stalls, one of which is a handicapped stall.  I ALWAYS go to the same stall.  Well, except for two times.  That's still a pretty high percentage for the month-plus that I've been there.  Like, pretty much 99%.  (I'm sorry, I was wrong.  It's 98.412698% with an error margin of plus or minus...oh whatever!!)

Theory would say that the handicapped stall would be the cleanest stall because there are no handicapped women on the floor...BUT, my coworkers and floor-mates have been out-foxed! Besides the other women in my office (5 of them), I've seen about 5 other women in the bathroom and I've noticed that almost everyone else goes into the handicapped stall.  (The only time they didn't was when they were in MY stall and I had to go into the middle one)  Sure, the handicapped one is roomier.  You can stretch out more if need be.  Bring a change of clothes.  Stay for lunch.  Seriously, what are they DOING in there?  Yoga?  Pilates?  Taking a nap?

Well, today, my curious mind took over and I decided to try to find out what it MEANS about our personality when we choose one stall over the other.

TA DA!!  Don't you love research?!  Thanks to personalityquiz.net for this one!

Which toilet would you choose?

You go into a toilet and there are 9 urinals/cubicles all available. Which one would you choose from left to right? Analysis Gentlemen: The behavior of men in choosing urinals is different from that of women choosing restroom stalls, according to some reports. Whereas more women prefer stalls in the middle section, men prefer urinals to either end of the line, obviously hoping to draw as little attention as possible. Those men who actually choose urinals in the middle (4, 5, or 6) seem to be less self-conscious and less likely to succumb to external influence or pressure.   Ladies Women who choose stalls 1-3 are more flexible and can adjust to a new situation quickly. These women tend to be direct and straightforward, and they would not hesitate as much as others when confronted with decision-making. Women who choose stalls 4-6 are cautious, moderate, balanced. They refrain from going to extremes and generally want to feel safe. Women who choose stalls 7-9 have a stronger sense of ones' own space; they would not mind going a little deeper into the corners, where it's less likely that they'll be disturbed, even though other women would consider such positions more "dangerous" ones.

And just because I had nothing else to do, I searched some more and found this answer to the question, "which stall do you use?"

"MEE TOO! I'm always doing a mind-check of which stall would be the least used.
These are all weird little things that I think through when presented with a new public bathroom. Sorry, no statistical data.

If there are only two, I usually use the small one, thinking that most people would choose the big one.

If there are three stalls, I never go into the middle one. 

I always use the bathroom that is the hardest to get to.

Layout of the bathroom and door placement is a HUGE factor.
If the door opens at one end of the bathroom and I'm presented with one row of stalls. 
a. I never go to the one facing the door, because I figure that THAT one would get used because it matches egress patterns.
b. I don't use the first or closest stall. 

If the door opens and there are two rows of stalls, and there is a row that I have to make more than two turns to get to...
a. I figure those are the cleanest and use those.
b. Otherwise, I follow the rules above.

Then, a totally OTHER quandary that I struggle with, is if I'm faced with a row of stalls, no egress patterns really drawing people to any certain stalls, always wonder whether the stalls to the left or more toward the right would get used more.

Do people "read" the line of stall doors left to right to pick a stall?
Or, since most people are right handed/right footed, do they tend to veer more right to pick a stall? 

I'm curious to see what other people think."


Yes, and now WE are all curious how one person could use 'quandry' and 'egress' (not ONCE, oh no!  TWICE!) in a response about bathroom habits.  Thank you, raar, you've helped me prove that there are crazier people out there than little old me!

Excuse me, pardon me - I only have 6 months and 5 days

I found this article online today...don't remember what it was I was actually looking for...but who cares!  My only frustration with this is that I JUST found it today.  I better get busy!  Oh wait!  Is this stuff that I'm ALREADY supposed to know?!?  Oh man.....

I couldn't resist:  my comments are in red. (As seen on Prevention.com)

40 Things You Should Know About Sex by Age 40

By Gail Belsky1. He doesn't care if you've shaved - But then that means WE can't care when HE doesn't shave.  That doesn't necessarily sound fair to me.

2. Wide beats long every time. If you care at all about penis size (and studies show that women are far more into how penises look than how they're hung), you know that width matters more than length. - How am I supposed to KNOW that width matters more.  She just puts it out there like 'you're an idiot if you don't know that width matters more."  It's Be Kind to Jen's IQ Day.

3. All the girls are doing it. Masturbating, that is. In a 2004 survey by AARP, nearly half the women between the ages of 45 and 49 said they had taken matters into their own hands in the previous 6 months. And many women have used more than just their hands. In a 2009 survey by the University of Indiana, more than half the respondents had used a vibrator at least once, and nearly one in four had used one in the previous month. - Those numbers are COMPLETELY FABRICATED.  You're trying to tell me that only....No, that's not right.  It's just like saying only 50% of men have thought about watching porn.  Who are we trying to protect here?  The author's mother?

4. He likes the cuddling part, too...and not just because he's half comatose when you snuggle up after sex. During lovemaking, both men and women release the chemical oxytocin—the so-called “cuddle hormone” that helps new moms bond with their babies. So what does than mean for men? Oxytocin boosts their desire for intimacy, along with their feelings of trust, according to a 2008 study by the University of Zurich. And in this case, what's good for the gander is good for the goose. - I guess my guys weren't in line when oxytocin was being handed out.  However, I guess I could always show them the YouTube video on How to Cuddle.

5. You really can tell a guy's size by his hands. The longer a man's ring finger, the longer his penis, a study by University of Liverpool shows. Both are determined by the amount of testosterone he was exposed to in the womb. If his ring finger is the same size or smaller than his index finger, he received lower levels of testosterone. If it's bigger...watch out! - Wait a minute.  I thought we weren't supposed to care about the length.  Now she's just trying to make us look silly.  Stop me if you see me at a bar checking out a guy's...ring finger.  Unless it's to see if there's a RING on it!

6. It's worth a try. Variety is the spice of life...and of sex. Whether you do it in a hammock or an airplane; on the kitchen floor or in the shower; dressed in leather or in lace, if it's new, it's improved. - oh hell yes.  

7. Porn is hot. The idea that women take longer to get aroused just isn't true. Show us some skin and we're off and running. In a 2007 study, women who watched porn got turned on as quickly as men did. Using thermal imaging technology, researchers at McGill University in Montreal found that while watching porn, men became fully aroused in 664.6 seconds (11 minutes), compared to women, who took 743 seconds (12 minutes). - I 100% disagree.  TIme me.  I bet it's less than 12.

8. Say Ohh instead of Ohm. Craving the calm you get from yoga? Go for an orgasm instead. You feel relaxed after climaxing because you were practically brain-dead while you were doing it. Using scans to measure brain activity, researchers from the Netherlands found that women experience no emotions during orgasm—including fear, anxiety and stress. When you're in the throes, there's no worrying about the kids' report cards, the weekly grocery list or the pile of bills on your desk. But it's a chicken and egg situation: The only way to reach orgasm is to clear your head of that stuff to begin with. - Was there an Orgasm: 101 class that I forgot to take?  First of all, I HATE yoga...it's boring as crap.  SOOOOO, why would I want to crave that?  And ALSO, there's no way I'm clearing my head...I need my sexy brain to help me on my way! 

9. Faking it: pointless. Showing him what you like: brilliant - until you get so freaking tired of 'explaining' that you just become one of the 50% (FAKE) taking matters into their own hands.

10. It's better with your socks on. If your sex life isn't hot, it may be because you're cold. Research from the Netherlands shows that couples with cold feet had a harder time reaching orgasm—only 50% made it. When couples put on socks, the jumped to 80%. - you know it was hard to find data when they're using people that wear wooden shoes and smoke pot.

11. Honesty: Not always the best policy. So you've thought about cheating—maybe even stolen a kiss or snuck out for coffee. Should you confess to make up for it? No way. Coming clean only inflicts pain on your partner and damages his sense of trust. If you want to protect him and keep your relationship going, swallow your guilt and keep your mouth shut. - and in that cleared brain of yours that's not faking your orgasm, make sure you say the right name.

12. Love is in the air... as long as your man doesn't shower after his workout. The musky smell of male sweat can be a real turn-on for women. In a 2007 study from the University of California at Berkeley, the scent of a man boosted women's sexual arousal, mood, heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. - the SCENT of a man I can see...the scent of a man's B.O????  No way.  Unless you're into that pit smelling kind of fetishes.

13. It's never too late. Even if having sex is something you do only on birthdays and Bastille Day you can always get back on the stick. All you have to do is...have sex. You may have to force yourself at first, but the more you do it, the more you want to do it. Start with once a month, then once a week, and who knows? Maybe you'll be a once-a-day woman. - People have sex on BASTILLE DAY??

14. When it comes to how big, how often, how many times in one night, your friends are lying - please, please don't tell me that when I am living vicariously through them.

15. It's the next best thing to being there... but not that many forty-somethings know it. According to a 2004 survey by AARP, only 17% of men and 18% of women between the ages of 45 and 49 had phone sex. - but in 2011, 95% of women have added sexting as a foreplay method of choice.

16. Nobody does it better than you. You can lie around waiting for your partner to bring you to orgasm, but you'll get there a lot faster if you take care of it yourself. When women masturbate, they typically climax in less than 4 minutes. When they're engaged in foreplay and intercourse, it can take 20 minutes. Your best bet for a speedy climax: using a vibrator. - WRONG.  I won't go into detail.

17. Fantasy is fabulous. If your regular sex routine is a little stale, invite Johnny Depp and his pirate hat into bed with you. Losing yourself in a sex fantasy spices up the real thing, and boosts your overall sex drive. Sharing certain fantasies can add even more zip. In a 2004 ABC News poll, more than half of all men and women said they talk about their fantasies to boost their sex lives. The most common fantasies? Unexpected sex, threesomes, and sex at work. - OH!  we're supposed to SHARE them and not THINK of them during sex! HAHA!  NOW I get the uncluttering of the mind thing!!

18. If you're too tired, it's too bad for him. The best thing about getting older is that you can do—or not do—whatever you want. Say it nicely, and your partner should understand if you've got a headache or you want to watch the Desperate Housewives marathon instead of making love. Unless, of course, the marathon—or the headache—is a weekly event. - BUT, he should NEVER be allowed to turn you down when you want it!  RIght??  Am I right??

19. Size matters—to him. A survey of 50,000 heterosexual men and women showed that the vast majority of women (85%) felt satisfied by their man's size, while nearly half of all men (45%) were unhappy with their package. Let him know he's all you need. - and then introduce him to Rocco, Clint and the rest of the Phallic Team

20. He doesn't care if you wear flannel to bed - then I'm guessing sweatpants, thermal underwear, a sweatshirt and wool socks is okay, too.

21. Money isn't everything...but when it comes to sex, it certainly helps. Women who had wealthy husbands or boyfriends reported having more orgasms than those who didn't, according to a 2009 survey by the University of Newcastle in England. - did they pay someone to have them for them??

22. Good kissing is a good sign. Studies show that women tend to assess a relationship by how skilled his smooching is. And they're more likely to have sex with a man who does it well  - THIS should be #1

23. Ladies first. You're likely to be eager—if not aching—to give right after you've received. So everyone wins if he gets you off first. - I really wonder who she polled for this research.  I'm telling you, the LAST thing I'm gonna want to do...well, you know.  I say Men First!

24. Intercourse doesn't cut it. In case you thought you were the only one, you'll want to know that nearly one-third of women don't have orgasms during intercourse. That's because thrusting rarely stimulates the clitoris, our most reliable source for the ultimate pleasure. - duh

25. Less sex means more work. If you're not having sex, what are you doing with your time? Chances are, you're working more. Men and women both turn to work to fill the void when they have sex less than once a week, according to a survey of 32,000 people by the University of Gottingen in Germany. Bo-RING. - HA!  WRONG!  I'm not working more!  I'm blogging about sex!!!

26. A little cleavage goes a long way. Do you really think you look hot with your shirt buttoned up to your chin? Or a T-shirt shrouding your tankini? Get over yourself already. You may have stretch marks and spider veins everywhere else, but with the right support, your boobs can still hold their own. So let 'em show, and you'll feel sexier than you have in a long time. - and then feel more secured than Fort Knox when he can't get the boulder holder undone!

27. Making the first move...is as much a turn-on for you as it is for him. - unless he turns you down.

28. It's not you...it's him. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't always ready and raring to go—especially middle-aged men. Many go through their own form of menopause as their testosterone levels start to drop. After the age of 40, testosterone levels decline approximately 1 percent per year, with a steep drop between the ages of 45 and 50. So if he takes longer or is less gung-ho, go easy on him...and yourself.- and then trade him in for a newer model. 

29. He doesn't care if you can't quite button your pants - just don't TELL him you can't button your pants.

30. His nipples are as much fun as yours. Imagine if your partner never touched your nipples during foreplay or sex. Ignored them entirely. Well, why are you ignoring his? Men's nipples are as important to them as yours are to you. Slightly more than half of the men surveyed in a 2006 study by the University of Sheffield in England said nipple stimulation caused or enhanced their arousal. But only 17% ever asked for it. - well you know how freaky those English dudes are.  This is your excuse to go out and buy some nipple clamps.

31. Nobody wants to hear about it. Spare your friend, sister, college roommate and, especially, your colleague the details of your sex life. It might have been fun to compare notes in your twenties, but as a grown woman, it's embarrassing and just plain gross. Put yourself in their shoes—Do you really want them to picture you and your husband doing it on the roof? - uh oh.  

32. Smutty is sexy. Dirty talk (aka “Aural Sex”) is a real turn-on for some couples. It can be as clean or raunchy as you both like. Just make sure you know where your partner draws the line between dirty and disgusting. - I have a book if anyone would like to borrow it.  I think it was written in the 1970's.

33. Casual sex isn't for everyone. Brief casual sexual encounters may sound like a kick, but for many women, they're not a great experience. In a 2008 study by the University of Durham in England, only 54% of the women who'd had a one-night stand had positive feelings about it. Surprise, surprise: 85% of men thought it was just dandy. - I have nothing witty.  Nothing.  Casual sex is like scratching a mosquito bite....it just causes more issues.

34. Anything goes. What used to be too “kinky” to contemplate is jolly good if you've finally shed your inhibitions in your old age. What better time to make a sex tape, strip, try a threesome or whatever you've secretly wanted to do? Guaranteed, if it's exciting to you, it will be orgasmic for your mate - oh wait.  I think I've FINALLY realized why she's using all of these English stats.  What used to be too kinky is now 'jolly good?'.  Really?  Kinky and Jolly Good in the same sentence??  This chick has some secrets she wants to let out!. 

35. The toes have it. Next time you go down on your mate, go way down. If you haven't discovered this already, toes are one of the key erogenous zones for both men and women, along with fingers, earlobes and the back of the knees. - I wouldn't necessarily say 'key'.  RIght?  And if we're gonna be sucking their toes, I hope to gosh they're using the antifungal crap.  Okay.  That was just gross.

36. He doesn't care if you haven't showered - MAN! So again, we're supposed to reciprocate and let it be okay when HE doesn't shower.  UGH.

37. Romance can last forever..or at least for a long time. New research shows that long-term relationships can keep their sexual chemistry, intensity and engagement going strong. If they're missing the passion of short-term relationships, that's probably a good thing, according to a 2009 study by Stony Brook University in California. That means they're also free of anxiety and insecurity. - What's a long time?  Longer than 8 years?  I'm betting it is.  Dang.  I'll need some fresh victims.

38. It's not you...it's your hormones. How does perimenopause mess up your sex life? Let us count the ways:

·         Your period lasts forever: you bleed like a stuck pig for seven days, and stain for another three

·         Your sex drive has shriveled up

·         You're as dry as dust

·         Your mood swings like a wrecking ball - OH THANK GOD.  SOMETHING VALID TO BLAME.  Does this happen after you're looking to score with every single guy around?  One minute it's a hunger to feast on and the next it's a crust and a cup of water?

Still, it could be worse. 

39. Marrieds do it more. Believe it or not, if you're married, you're having more sex than single people. That may not be saying much—the average of times that married people have sex is 69 per year. But that's nine more than single people do, according to a 2002 study by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. And by now, you're old enough to know that quality counts more than quantity - I'm sorry.  Can't I just wish for quantity now before number 38 kicks in?

40. He thinks you're hot...just the way you are - you paid him to say this, didn't you??

Membership Has Privileges

Do you think nudist camps have one-day admission rates, like Great America or Cedar Point?  (Step right up and decide how old THIS person is...no, you don't count the rings like on a tree, you count the wrinkles! :)

But, realistically, I wonder if they have a trial membership or a free one-day pass for those thinking about whipping it all out in the open.  So to speak.  Kind of get the lay of the land, learn the ins and outs of being a nudie without jumping in completely from the get go.  (I am not a big fan of the Polar Plunge method of doing things.) (and boy, reading that back made me wonder if I got a really good deal on innuendos.)

I found this one in Burlington, Wisconsin:  http://sunrayhills.com/.  One of the items on the drop down menu was 'Pictures.'  Was too frightened to click on it; what can I say, I scare easily.  (SEE, this is my problem!  I think I am a nudeaphobe!)  I envision a place overrun with men that look like Ron Jeremy and women from 70's porn.  NOT that I know...oh what the hell :)  Touch Me in the Morning had a PLOT I tell you!

Isn't it common to treat phobias by making the person experience exactly what they are afraid of, or was that just in the 1890's?  (Btw...there are 533 phobias on this list!  It makes me seem SO FREAKING NORMAL!!)  You could make the Pteromerhanophobe ride in a puddle jumper; the person suffering from Gelotophia could do amateur night at the local strip club; the Walloonphobe could hang out/discover/eat/drink/listen to the Walloons.  (What the hell are Walloons??)  We could make up a phobia for public embarrassment (sneakily left off the list), name it JENISNUTSAPHOBIA and have the cure be karaoke.  Sober.  So if I was a Gymnophobe, you'd book me a weekend stay at Sun Ray Hills and take all my clothes.

I'm beginning to have visions that are best left in the dust (yes, it took me this long.  What can I say, I'm having an off week!).  Just pour acid in your eyes...it'll be better soon!

The Peaks

You know how it is...that one day, maybe you're in the grocery store, and outta nowhere, METEORS ATTACK and you get that URGE?!  And so you look at the little guy behind you in line...the accountant-one with the fringe of hair, Dockers and white tube socks...the one with the Hungry Man meals, three boxes of Fiber Plus cereal and Preparation H in his cart.  Oh poor little snookums.  You know the type?  The one that looks harmless, very George Castanza-ish...but turns out to be more like Forrest Whitaker in Waiting to Exhale.  And your brain is overtaken by hormones and you think...hmmm, maybe against the tower of creamed corn?

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Right?

Uh...yeah.  No. Right.  Me either.  It was completely UTTERLY hypothetical.

So in our very first sex ed class, through all of the nervous twittering and note passing, we may have heard that women hit their sexual peak later than men.  Guys burn out, like at 19 or something ridiculous.  (Um, hello?  What the hell was the point of MAN then??!!)  Ladies get to pretend they're excited until some time in their 30's.  Ha ha ha ha, hardy har har.  UNTIL IT HAPPENS.  It's like that time your mom told you not to say that word or she'll wash your mouth out with soap and she REALLY did.  Although, hitting your sexual apex probably tastes a lot better than that.  I'm just sayin'.

Problem.  Oh, there's many - like lack of willing partners, lack of semi-willing partners and lack of partners still breathing - but this here is the Jen Marr Problemo Numero Uno: What THEY (I'm not sure who to blame on this one....) fail to tell you is that as you are hitting your sexual peak, all of the gravity in your body has made a mass exodus.  To Borneo.  Nude sunbathing there.  (I don't know...I make this crap up).

If you were blessed with a bean pole shape (like me as a teen) that turned into a decent hour glass thingy (me up until about 59 days ago) don't be alarmed if you are suddenly transformed into a pear.  Or a concrete block.  Haha.  Right.  Don't be alarmed?!?!  How many fricking diets can I go on at the same time?!?!  Atkins?  Got it.  Suzanne?  got it.  Abs?  got it.

So the cruel irony of it all is this:  You're a woman of a certain age.  You're (insert delicate word of your choice here) as all get out.  Because you're a woman of a certain age, you feel like a load of slop.  Remember:  the brain is our biggest erogenous zone.  WHAT A CONUNDRUM.

This tells me that whomever came up with the concept of 'middle aged women' was truly a man that was pissed off by always be the loser in the gender battle! :)

The D word

Oh woe is me.

Just had to get that outta my system!

A common theme today in the household has been HUSBANDS.  The Littlest Mini initially brought up the term before I even had my first cup of Keurig although it's been on his mind a lot lately...(like, 'So Mom, he's not married?  Why isn't he married, Mom?') ...and then, a bit later in the day as I was drying myself off from my relaxing shower, I heard Husband #1's voice coming from my living room!  WHAT?! I swear, can a girl get no peace??  So I did what any self-respecting woman would do:  I confronted him with wet hair and no makeup!  Let him just TRY to shake that image!

Let's change the subject to DATING.   I may not know as much about this subject, but I'll pretend that I do if you will.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO FIND QUALITY DATES?  Me either.  Really.  I don't look for dates.  It's a waste of time.  Dating is, I mean.  A lot of money to sit and talk about nonsense.  Or, a lot of money to go to the movies and sit and watch other people have sex.  (Although, I admit that I love getting ready for a date  - which lately means going to WalMart - ...should I be cute and approachable?  Domineering?  Romantic?  And that's all just with the shoes! :) However, if you want to progress past something more than FWB, dating's almost necessary.  Unless you completely trust in the utter truthfulness of social media!

This is how I see it.  At my age, men are either too young or too old.  Or have one or two ex-wives from hell. (I can say this because I may very well be one!)  The young ones hear that I have three kids, and if they haven't bolted, start looking for my gravity-defying mechanisms that are holding my body parts in place.  And hoping to hell that I don't like to leave the lights on.  Damn Hugh Hefner for making airbrushed boobies common.  I am NOT a centerfold.  (and usually I don't wish to be.)  Aside from a rare sighting every 80 years, the young guys are just totally focused on partying, money, cars and scoring.  Throw some bacon and Big Macs in there, too. Oh, and X Box.

The other end of the spectrum?  I can't comment from experience.  I won't allow myself.  Can't make myself.  Would rather undergo a four hour Justin Beiber concert.  If that makes me olddudeaphobic, then so be it. My dad is only 20 years older than me so that makes even contemplating dating someone older OUT OF THE QUESTION.  (Max, are you listening?)

The first lie that I UNTOLD in 2011 is that I would like to have someone around on a consistent basis.  I call it having another adult person taking up some of my personal space.  I'm all about romance and some WBTYM...but preferably with the same person.  I'm thinking of speed dating.  See if anyone can take me on longer than 2 minutes.  HA, challenge!!

Resolving to Not Resolve

I contemplated the whole resolution nonsense.  I mean, when could be better to declare drastic life changes then the last six months before a monumental birthday?!  But then I thought some more:

• I don't smoke anymore
• I don't over drink (Jim, Jack and Joe are NOT my friends)
• I don't over eat (although the fast food intake could taper)
• I don't do drugs (heavier than Ibuprofen)
• I have a good work ethic.  (I DO.)
• I don't swear toooo much. (at least in front of the kids)
• I'm nice to people (for the most part)
• I get along with my exes (scary but true)
• I'm a good mom (so the minis say, but I have them tranqualized)
• I don't have too many tantrums.....(just during THAT week)

What the heck was I going to resolve to do?!

So I came up with this:  Jen's List of Things I Resolve NOT to Do in 2011:

• NEVER say 20-11. (honestly, when I say it I feel like I should then ask the guy next to me for some Grey Poupon)
• NEVER go out with someone half my age (this is where that plus 7 caveat comes in handy)
• NEVER get my tongue pierced (ewww)
• NEVER go out with someone twice my age (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww)
• NEVER put my head in the mouth of a lion (you figure out the metaphor, I'm tired)
• NEVER swim with sharks (unless they are of the corporate variety and I'm the better swimmer)
• NEVER ask to co-host the View (I'd get into my very first fist-fight)
• NEVER ski a Double Diamond without already having a bay booked in the ER (it was fun to ski when I was 4...I'm a big fan of the bunny hill.  I think my natural NON grace would be a hindrance)
• NEVER book an appointment with Heidi Montag's surgeon (Although, she now comes with her own flotation devices)
• NEVER Facebook stalk the cute kid from kindergarten (but the kid from Nursery School is fair game)
• NEVER shave my head for non-medical reasons (Yes, I thought about doing this once...some dude wanted me to model for some comic book)
• NEVER go on the road with Hinder (I would lose my liver)
• NEVER watch Eyes Wide Shut again (Can I see a show of hands of those out there that liked it???  Anyone?)
• NEVER slap or punch myself (Bubba's contribution)
• NEVER paint myself up like an Avatar to go to work (I'm not sure the scientists would see the humor or ART in it)

and...

• NEVER take what I have for granted
• NEVER bite off more than I can chew, but... 
• NEVER spit out what I've already taken
• NEVER fail to see the good
• NEVER opt to be close-minded
• NEVER shy from trying new, slightly different ideas
• NEVER be too busy to play with my kids
• NEVER forget to take the time to make myself a priority

Happy two thousand and eleven, my friends.  I think we're due.