The Peaks

You know how it is...that one day, maybe you're in the grocery store, and outta nowhere, METEORS ATTACK and you get that URGE?!  And so you look at the little guy behind you in line...the accountant-one with the fringe of hair, Dockers and white tube socks...the one with the Hungry Man meals, three boxes of Fiber Plus cereal and Preparation H in his cart.  Oh poor little snookums.  You know the type?  The one that looks harmless, very George Castanza-ish...but turns out to be more like Forrest Whitaker in Waiting to Exhale.  And your brain is overtaken by hormones and you think...hmmm, maybe against the tower of creamed corn?

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Right?

Uh...yeah.  No. Right.  Me either.  It was completely UTTERLY hypothetical.

So in our very first sex ed class, through all of the nervous twittering and note passing, we may have heard that women hit their sexual peak later than men.  Guys burn out, like at 19 or something ridiculous.  (Um, hello?  What the hell was the point of MAN then??!!)  Ladies get to pretend they're excited until some time in their 30's.  Ha ha ha ha, hardy har har.  UNTIL IT HAPPENS.  It's like that time your mom told you not to say that word or she'll wash your mouth out with soap and she REALLY did.  Although, hitting your sexual apex probably tastes a lot better than that.  I'm just sayin'.

Problem.  Oh, there's many - like lack of willing partners, lack of semi-willing partners and lack of partners still breathing - but this here is the Jen Marr Problemo Numero Uno: What THEY (I'm not sure who to blame on this one....) fail to tell you is that as you are hitting your sexual peak, all of the gravity in your body has made a mass exodus.  To Borneo.  Nude sunbathing there.  (I don't know...I make this crap up).

If you were blessed with a bean pole shape (like me as a teen) that turned into a decent hour glass thingy (me up until about 59 days ago) don't be alarmed if you are suddenly transformed into a pear.  Or a concrete block.  Haha.  Right.  Don't be alarmed?!?!  How many fricking diets can I go on at the same time?!?!  Atkins?  Got it.  Suzanne?  got it.  Abs?  got it.

So the cruel irony of it all is this:  You're a woman of a certain age.  You're (insert delicate word of your choice here) as all get out.  Because you're a woman of a certain age, you feel like a load of slop.  Remember:  the brain is our biggest erogenous zone.  WHAT A CONUNDRUM.

This tells me that whomever came up with the concept of 'middle aged women' was truly a man that was pissed off by always be the loser in the gender battle! :)